When I thought that my heart couldn't feel any more hurt..
Voila, it hurts..
So much...
I'm too tired for this...
Just fucking tired.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
Aslan is Near!
Begitu bangun pagi ini, yang pertama gue denger adalah suara burung berkicau di luar jendela kamar gue. Penasaran, gue buka jendela kamar, dan emang bener, ada suara-suara burung yang rame berceloteh.
Begitu keluar rumah, yang pertama gue rasain adalah hangatnya sinar matahari...Dan insting pertama gue adalah mau langsung buka jaket dan nekat jalan hanya dengan kaos lengan panjang. Untung gue masih waras, dan akhirnya memaksakan diri untuk terus pake jaket (hmm..mungkin...kalo situasi ini bertahan terus, gue bener" bisa mempensiunkan jaket tebel gue dalam minggu" ini...).
Begitu gue nyusurin sepanjang jalan depan rumah, yang gue perhatiin adalah pohon-pohon yang mulai menampakkan warnanya lewat kuncup" yang mulai mengembang. Hijau. Dan gue jadi inget pemandangan indah sepanjang jalan dari Den Haag ke Hilversum kemarin, yang gue liat dari balik jendela kereta. Hamparan bunga tulip beraneka warna, dari mulai ungu, merah muda, pink sampai kuning..You name it...Serasa ngeliat permadani warna warni terbentang luas...
Dan gue, yang lagi keranjingan baca Chronicles of Narnia, jadi berasa ada di Narnia, saat Aslan mulai mendekat...=) Spring, here he comes...
Begitu keluar rumah, yang pertama gue rasain adalah hangatnya sinar matahari...Dan insting pertama gue adalah mau langsung buka jaket dan nekat jalan hanya dengan kaos lengan panjang. Untung gue masih waras, dan akhirnya memaksakan diri untuk terus pake jaket (hmm..mungkin...kalo situasi ini bertahan terus, gue bener" bisa mempensiunkan jaket tebel gue dalam minggu" ini...).
Begitu gue nyusurin sepanjang jalan depan rumah, yang gue perhatiin adalah pohon-pohon yang mulai menampakkan warnanya lewat kuncup" yang mulai mengembang. Hijau. Dan gue jadi inget pemandangan indah sepanjang jalan dari Den Haag ke Hilversum kemarin, yang gue liat dari balik jendela kereta. Hamparan bunga tulip beraneka warna, dari mulai ungu, merah muda, pink sampai kuning..You name it...Serasa ngeliat permadani warna warni terbentang luas...
Dan gue, yang lagi keranjingan baca Chronicles of Narnia, jadi berasa ada di Narnia, saat Aslan mulai mendekat...=) Spring, here he comes...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
True Color
Dari postingannya Tha, gue terjebak mengikuti another silly test...and the result is:
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.
And my opinion?
I'm not logical, I'm almost emotional..But I do like the neutral one, it does suit me..I hate close-minded people who tend to judge others point of views...
But anyway. it's just a test. Sometimes I even answer differently on the same test..Because people change...And the result depends on our mood when we do the test...
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.
And my opinion?
I'm not logical, I'm almost emotional..But I do like the neutral one, it does suit me..I hate close-minded people who tend to judge others point of views...
But anyway. it's just a test. Sometimes I even answer differently on the same test..Because people change...And the result depends on our mood when we do the test...
Monday, April 03, 2006
Guilty Pleasures
When I was a little girl, if I liked something, I tended to become addicted to it. But then, out of the blue, I will get bored and then just leave it behind me...That bad habit is still with me now, in my 25-years-old-body-and-soul...
I am crazy about Harry Potter..and I read the books without knowing the time..I remember I even read one of those when I was in my exam period in college, and I just couldn't stop! I know all characters, I even tried some of Harry Potter quizes and got 100% score in almost all of them...
I also had a BIG crush of Leonardo DiCaprio...I watched all of his movies (and still am!), I collected his pictures, and I even had clippings about him when I was in junior high school...(but trust me, I've stopped this habit since then..hahaha).
And how about the New Kids On The Block era? OH MY GOD! How I was sooo in love with Jordan Knight, begging my mom so I could watch their concert (my first concert ever), feeling so good because I was the first one who had NKOTB backpack in the elementary school, and how I know every lyric of their songs and every step by step of their dance...Damn embarrasing if I think about it now...
And now...when I think there's no stupid things that could make me feel addicted..I bumped into one of yahoo crazy service, when everybody could ask and answer each others questions (and collected points)..How I like to answer those crazy questions, and ask my own crazy question just to find out how others will respond to it...And again, without realizing it, I've become addicted to something stupid!
When will I get rid of these guilty pleasures? Or is it only a part of being a human? Does anybody out there have his own guilty pleasure and are willing to share it with me? So maybe...I could have less guilty feeling...=)
I am crazy about Harry Potter..and I read the books without knowing the time..I remember I even read one of those when I was in my exam period in college, and I just couldn't stop! I know all characters, I even tried some of Harry Potter quizes and got 100% score in almost all of them...
I also had a BIG crush of Leonardo DiCaprio...I watched all of his movies (and still am!), I collected his pictures, and I even had clippings about him when I was in junior high school...(but trust me, I've stopped this habit since then..hahaha).
And how about the New Kids On The Block era? OH MY GOD! How I was sooo in love with Jordan Knight, begging my mom so I could watch their concert (my first concert ever), feeling so good because I was the first one who had NKOTB backpack in the elementary school, and how I know every lyric of their songs and every step by step of their dance...Damn embarrasing if I think about it now...
And now...when I think there's no stupid things that could make me feel addicted..I bumped into one of yahoo crazy service, when everybody could ask and answer each others questions (and collected points)..How I like to answer those crazy questions, and ask my own crazy question just to find out how others will respond to it...And again, without realizing it, I've become addicted to something stupid!
When will I get rid of these guilty pleasures? Or is it only a part of being a human? Does anybody out there have his own guilty pleasure and are willing to share it with me? So maybe...I could have less guilty feeling...=)
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
A Letter from Faraway Land
Kemaren ini gue dikasih tau kalo ada sepucuk surat buat gue yang masih nyasar ke rumah lama. Gue pikir, pasti surat dari bank, sekolah, atau brosur" nggak penting lainnya. Dan betapa kagetnya gue waktu tadi siang Hesti (mantan temen serumah gue)ngasih selembar amplop warna merah muda dengan nama gue yang diketik pake mesin tik manual. Entah kapan terakhir kalinya gue dapet surat dalam wujud yang sesungguhnya, karena biasanya urusan surat menyurat dengan temen" dan keluarga selalu gue lakuin melalui email.Tapi karena gue harus masuk kelas dan kuliah hari ini lumayan padat, surat itu pun sedikit terlupakan.
Gue baru sempet buka surat itu sesudah nyampe di rumah malem ini, dengan perasaan bete dan kecewa luar biasa karena ada sesuatu yang terjadi di luar rencana gue. Sambil duduk sendirian di depan TV, gue buka surat itu, yang ternyata isinya pun diketik dengan mesin tik manual, lengkap dengan tip ex dan beberapa coretan di sana sini.
Di bagian kop surat, tertera nama dan alamat Oma gue di Bandung, yang dicetak dengan bentuk tulisan kaligrafi. Tampak coretan tipis pensil yang mengganti nama Oma gue (yang udah meninggal tahun 2004 lalu) dengan nama Opa gue. Gue sedikit merinding. Udah lama gue nggak denger kabar dari Opa gue. Korespondensi terakhir yang kita lakuin adalah melalui email, itu pun lebih banyak cerita dari pihak gue, dan curhatan dari pihak Opa gue.Dan untuk sementara waktu, sosok Opa agak menghilang dari pikiran gue.
Pelan" gue baca surat itu, yang ternyata diketik dengan campuran bahasa Indonesia, Inggris dan Belanda. Beberapa kosakata yang nggak gue ngerti, akhirnya berusaha gue tebak sendiri. Dan tanpa gue sadar, setitik air dari mata gue tiba" menetes ke kertas itu. Gue bisa ngerasain betapa Opa gue sangat merindukan Oma gue, ketika dia merekomendasikan gue tempat" indah yang pernah mereka kunjungin bareng di Belanda, Belgia dan Jerman. Atau ketika dia mengingatkan gue sama darah Belanda yang masih ada dari pihak Oma, dan membandingkan kesamaan sifat gue dan Oma gue.
Dan terakhir, surat itu ditutup dengan beberapa kalimat bahasa Inggris, yang menyemangati gue untuk sukses dalam studi gue, untuk tetap semangat dalam menjalani hidup gue, dan untuk mencoba mengerti arti hidup : "You will understand life much better if you are able to manipulate your way of thinking, avoiding pain and frustration. And that's not thaught in ordinary schools throughout the world."
Suddenly, I feel much better. Bete gue langsung ilang, masalah gue nggak ada apa" nya. Gue masih punya sejuta hal yang bisa gue syukurin dalam hidup, dan salah satunya, datang dalam wujud sepucuk surat beramplop merah muda...
Gue baru sempet buka surat itu sesudah nyampe di rumah malem ini, dengan perasaan bete dan kecewa luar biasa karena ada sesuatu yang terjadi di luar rencana gue. Sambil duduk sendirian di depan TV, gue buka surat itu, yang ternyata isinya pun diketik dengan mesin tik manual, lengkap dengan tip ex dan beberapa coretan di sana sini.
Di bagian kop surat, tertera nama dan alamat Oma gue di Bandung, yang dicetak dengan bentuk tulisan kaligrafi. Tampak coretan tipis pensil yang mengganti nama Oma gue (yang udah meninggal tahun 2004 lalu) dengan nama Opa gue. Gue sedikit merinding. Udah lama gue nggak denger kabar dari Opa gue. Korespondensi terakhir yang kita lakuin adalah melalui email, itu pun lebih banyak cerita dari pihak gue, dan curhatan dari pihak Opa gue.Dan untuk sementara waktu, sosok Opa agak menghilang dari pikiran gue.
Pelan" gue baca surat itu, yang ternyata diketik dengan campuran bahasa Indonesia, Inggris dan Belanda. Beberapa kosakata yang nggak gue ngerti, akhirnya berusaha gue tebak sendiri. Dan tanpa gue sadar, setitik air dari mata gue tiba" menetes ke kertas itu. Gue bisa ngerasain betapa Opa gue sangat merindukan Oma gue, ketika dia merekomendasikan gue tempat" indah yang pernah mereka kunjungin bareng di Belanda, Belgia dan Jerman. Atau ketika dia mengingatkan gue sama darah Belanda yang masih ada dari pihak Oma, dan membandingkan kesamaan sifat gue dan Oma gue.
Dan terakhir, surat itu ditutup dengan beberapa kalimat bahasa Inggris, yang menyemangati gue untuk sukses dalam studi gue, untuk tetap semangat dalam menjalani hidup gue, dan untuk mencoba mengerti arti hidup : "You will understand life much better if you are able to manipulate your way of thinking, avoiding pain and frustration. And that's not thaught in ordinary schools throughout the world."
Suddenly, I feel much better. Bete gue langsung ilang, masalah gue nggak ada apa" nya. Gue masih punya sejuta hal yang bisa gue syukurin dalam hidup, dan salah satunya, datang dalam wujud sepucuk surat beramplop merah muda...
Friday, March 17, 2006
From Barcelona with Luv
Minggu lalu gue baru ikut program workshop dari sekolah di Madrid. Dan dengan semangatnya, gue langsung memperpanjang beberapa hari untuk jalan" ke Barcelona.And immediately I just fell in love with the city...Jalan"nya, bangunan dan gedung"nya, cafe"nya, taman dan air mancurnya, matahari dan suhu 18 derajatnya, orang" yang udah lalu lalang make tanktop, aroma udara dari laut, tapas yang dijual di mana", artis" yang berkeliaran dengan kostum aneh di La Ramblas...I love almost everything about this city...Gue bahkan bisa mentolerir cowok aneh yang satu kamar sama gue di hostel, kemampuan bahasa inggris orang" spanyol yang terbatas, harga makanan dan suvenir yang hampir semua mahal, dan copet yang banyak banget di mana"...
And suddenly, I missed my mom soooo much....Gue inget obsesinya sebagai seorang arsitek buat dateng ke kota ini, betapa ngefansnya dia sama Gaudi dan bangunan"nya, betapa dia ngotot kalo "Jalan di Barcelona itu salah satu yang terbaik di dunia lho", dan titipan"nya supaya gue foto" sebanyak mungkin sudut kota Barcelona...
Dan sambil merasakan sinar matahari yang hangat di atas kepala gue, menyusuri Passeig de Gracia dan lewat di depan Cassa Milla, gue berjanji dalam hati, "Someday, we're gonna walk together in this street, Mum..."
Friday, March 03, 2006
Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea!*
Yesterday, finally I've received all my grades for previous semester. It's not really bad, although I think I could have done better...Thanks to my laziness and deadline-minded! =)
Actually, there are lot of things that I've learnt since I've been in this course. The framework of thinking with more flexibility, doing qualitative papers with convincing argument instead of just rellying on numbers like I usually did in my bachelor study (for god sake, I was studdying industrial-engineering then...!), trying to work together with people from around the world...adjusting to any kind of people with different culture and background...and even trying hard to fit in with the Dutch-teaching-system...It's hard, but also fun in the same time...
Anyway, as I collected my papers in International Office yesterday, I've accidentally bumped into my friend's assignment. And without thinking, I read the note that was placed in the front page of her paper. It's my teacher's handwriting.
"If you want to graduate with distinction, you have to get 8 for the average grade. And you still can do it if you want to improve this paper".
And suddenly, I felt sick. It's been allowed to receit your paper if you get the score under 5.50. But for me, to give the second chance just to make a student graduated with distinction is not a really fair thing to do. Especially if you know exactly how close this teacher to that particular student.
How if there are other students who have exactly the same grade with her? Do they also deserve the second chance? And how about other students who have the score a little bit lower than her? Is it really unfair if they also ask for the opportunity to upgrade their score?
I have no idea why this thing really bothered me, because I'm not a kind of person who like to mess around with other people's businesses. Maybe because I hope for a more fair system here..But you never know..Maybe it's all the same everywhere, even here, when justice and fairness become one of the most crucial things..Or am I being too judgemental? Or maybe...deep down inside...I just hope that I will be given that second chance also...
*Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea = SHIT! taken from Icha Rahmanti's Beauty Case...
Actually, there are lot of things that I've learnt since I've been in this course. The framework of thinking with more flexibility, doing qualitative papers with convincing argument instead of just rellying on numbers like I usually did in my bachelor study (for god sake, I was studdying industrial-engineering then...!), trying to work together with people from around the world...adjusting to any kind of people with different culture and background...and even trying hard to fit in with the Dutch-teaching-system...It's hard, but also fun in the same time...
Anyway, as I collected my papers in International Office yesterday, I've accidentally bumped into my friend's assignment. And without thinking, I read the note that was placed in the front page of her paper. It's my teacher's handwriting.
"If you want to graduate with distinction, you have to get 8 for the average grade. And you still can do it if you want to improve this paper".
And suddenly, I felt sick. It's been allowed to receit your paper if you get the score under 5.50. But for me, to give the second chance just to make a student graduated with distinction is not a really fair thing to do. Especially if you know exactly how close this teacher to that particular student.
How if there are other students who have exactly the same grade with her? Do they also deserve the second chance? And how about other students who have the score a little bit lower than her? Is it really unfair if they also ask for the opportunity to upgrade their score?
I have no idea why this thing really bothered me, because I'm not a kind of person who like to mess around with other people's businesses. Maybe because I hope for a more fair system here..But you never know..Maybe it's all the same everywhere, even here, when justice and fairness become one of the most crucial things..Or am I being too judgemental? Or maybe...deep down inside...I just hope that I will be given that second chance also...
*Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea = SHIT! taken from Icha Rahmanti's Beauty Case...
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Part of My Dreams...
Gue, seperti juga setiap orang di dunia, punya banyak mimpi...Dari mulai yang standar dan mulia seperti lulus kuliah dengan nilai bagus, bisa ikut ngajar keliling Indonesia, membahagiakan orang tua, dan punya rumah di tepi pantai, sampai yang sedikit gila seperti jalan" keliling dunia, bisa ketemu sama orlando bloom dan punya peternakan anjing (huehueheuheu...it's true!)
Kemaren, salah satu mimpi gue yang masuk kategori "mengkhayal", sempet jadi kenyataan. Nonton liga champions di stadion ArenA...
Gara"nya juga kebetulan. Seorang temen gue tiba" nelfon dan ngabarin kalo dia punya satu tiket lebih karena temennya ada yang mendadak batal nonton. Dan gue, serasa dapet durian runtuh, langsung menyambut gembira ajakannya buat beli tiket nganggur itu.
Biarpun sebelumnya gue udah pernah ke stadion arena dan ikut tur keliling disana, rasanya tetep aja beda banget. Puluhan ribu orang menuhin stadion, lebih dari 90% nya adalah pendukung ajax yang membawa berbagai macam atribut, mulai dari bendera sampai spanduk super besar.
Lebih seru lagi, gue nonton sama rombongan dari Italia, tapi alih" duduk di daerah suporter Intermilan, kita malah kebagian tempat di tengah para pendukung Ajax. Yang ada, hanya bisa menahan diri setiap kali para penyerang Inter melakukan serangan" berbahaya atau justru mengeluh dalam hati waktu pemain Ajax mulai memberi umpan" bagus. Itupun masih harus menerima nasib setiap kali ada suporter Ajax yang lempar" sesuatu ke arah kita, mungkin karena familiar dengan raut muka khas italia yang menguasai deretan gue.
Anyway, it was a good game. Biarpun hasilnya seri, tapi permainan Ajax nggak jelek" amat kaya biasanya. Inter yang pas babak satu masih melempem, bisa menyamakan kedudukan dari 2-0 jadi 2-2. Dan yang pasti, berada beberapa meter saja dari Luis Figo tentu beda rasanya dibanding hanya menonton di televisi...
Not every dream is impossible though...=)
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Salju Yang Menjauh
Selama tinggal di negeri kincir yang berangin dingin dan menusuk ini, gue selalu harap" cemas menunggu salju turun.
Salju, butiran" es warna putih seperti kapas, yang jatuh dari langit sampai membentuk tumpukan lembut di tanah...Itu yang selalu gue bayangin, mungkin terlalu dipengaruhi sama film" Hollywood bersetting natal.
Hari demi hari, sampai suhu udah hampir mencapai minus, yang namanya salju tetep aja nggak turun". Bikin gue sempet berpikir, jangan" salju di negeri 4 musim cuman mitos belaka. Buktinya??? Mana???
Sampai akhirnya, natal udah lewat, dan harapan gue mulai menipis, yang namanya salju akhirnya turun juga. Semua impian masa kecil gue yang terpendam akhirnya keluar semua. Perang bola salju, lari"di bawah butiran tipis selembut kapas, dan bahkan buka mulut lebar" buat ngerasain dinginnya es di tenggorokan (sumpah, gue juga nggak bangga kalo harus inget ini, hehe).
Dan setelah itu, salju pun lenyap. Serasa mimpi, Den Haag kembali lagi seperti semula. Dingin, mendung dan berangin...Tanpa ada tanda" bakal turun butiran kapas dari langit. Apa gue emang cuman ditakdirin liat salju sekali aja ya?
Dan kini, hujan turun terus menerus, angin semakin menusuk, langit berwarna kelabu dan matahari tenggelam semakin lambat...Tanda" datangnya musim semi....Salju gue pun, semakin manjauh...
*Buat pencinta senja di Jakarta....Kalau ada salju lagi, gue kirim kesana yah...=)
Salju, butiran" es warna putih seperti kapas, yang jatuh dari langit sampai membentuk tumpukan lembut di tanah...Itu yang selalu gue bayangin, mungkin terlalu dipengaruhi sama film" Hollywood bersetting natal.
Hari demi hari, sampai suhu udah hampir mencapai minus, yang namanya salju tetep aja nggak turun". Bikin gue sempet berpikir, jangan" salju di negeri 4 musim cuman mitos belaka. Buktinya??? Mana???
Sampai akhirnya, natal udah lewat, dan harapan gue mulai menipis, yang namanya salju akhirnya turun juga. Semua impian masa kecil gue yang terpendam akhirnya keluar semua. Perang bola salju, lari"di bawah butiran tipis selembut kapas, dan bahkan buka mulut lebar" buat ngerasain dinginnya es di tenggorokan (sumpah, gue juga nggak bangga kalo harus inget ini, hehe).
Dan setelah itu, salju pun lenyap. Serasa mimpi, Den Haag kembali lagi seperti semula. Dingin, mendung dan berangin...Tanpa ada tanda" bakal turun butiran kapas dari langit. Apa gue emang cuman ditakdirin liat salju sekali aja ya?
Dan kini, hujan turun terus menerus, angin semakin menusuk, langit berwarna kelabu dan matahari tenggelam semakin lambat...Tanda" datangnya musim semi....Salju gue pun, semakin manjauh...
*Buat pencinta senja di Jakarta....Kalau ada salju lagi, gue kirim kesana yah...=)
Monday, February 13, 2006
And it's all coming back...
ANDIEN - Akankah Mungkin
G Bm
Kuberikan seutuhnya
C D
Kasih sayang hanya padamu
G Bm
Ku bayangkan kemesraan
C D
Kan selalu menyertaiku
FM7 Am/D
Itupun tak cukup
FM7 D
Tuk buat kau bahagia
Reff: C Bm
Akankah mungkin kau menyadari
Am D
Sesungguhnya hati ini tlah kau miliki
C Bm
Akankah mungkin pernah terjadi
Am
Kau kembali padaku
C D
Dan berikan cinta untukku lagi
G Bm
Yang tak mungkinkah mengerti
C D
Kau selalu salahkan aku
G Bm
Yang ku pinta jangan engkau
C D
Samakan ku dengan yang dulu
FM7 Am/D
Apa yang terjadi
FM7 D
Kini kau telah pergi
Kembali ke: Reff
*Suddenly..all the memories are coming back...Thousands miles away...thousands days ago...But here I am now, with a totally different guy from him, singing happily as if this song means nothing for me...*
G Bm
Kuberikan seutuhnya
C D
Kasih sayang hanya padamu
G Bm
Ku bayangkan kemesraan
C D
Kan selalu menyertaiku
FM7 Am/D
Itupun tak cukup
FM7 D
Tuk buat kau bahagia
Reff: C Bm
Akankah mungkin kau menyadari
Am D
Sesungguhnya hati ini tlah kau miliki
C Bm
Akankah mungkin pernah terjadi
Am
Kau kembali padaku
C D
Dan berikan cinta untukku lagi
G Bm
Yang tak mungkinkah mengerti
C D
Kau selalu salahkan aku
G Bm
Yang ku pinta jangan engkau
C D
Samakan ku dengan yang dulu
FM7 Am/D
Apa yang terjadi
FM7 D
Kini kau telah pergi
Kembali ke: Reff
*Suddenly..all the memories are coming back...Thousands miles away...thousands days ago...But here I am now, with a totally different guy from him, singing happily as if this song means nothing for me...*
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